Being Happy

Happiness. 

hap·pi·ness

ˈhapēnəs/

noun

the state of being happy.

What does happiness really mean and where does it come from? I define my happiness as peace. The feeling of being calm and everything going well. Happiness should always come from within. When you attach your happiness to objects and people you risk losing your happiness more often. I learned this the hard way. 

There was once a time I thought I needed someone to make me happy. I really liked this individual BUT they were all wrong for me. But no matter how often they did me wrong I always wanted to make it right so I could get that joy back. Then it stopped working and I attached myself to yet another form of happiness. Now this guy I fell for, fell hard. He seemed to always be around when it was convenient to him or when he saw me drifting away. But boy did I love the smile he put on my face. I swear one time that smile lasted for months! No one could say anything that could bring me down and of course that’s a great feeling. Who wouldn’t want to feel like that?! But it ends. I attached myself to a roller coaster of happiness. A very inconsistent roller coaster. So again I found new happiness. 

This time I found it in working. As long as I was working and making money I would be okay. Or so I thought. I had been working since I was 15/16 and had never been without a job, UNTIL I went to college. First semester I was in desperate need of a job. You see I’ve always prided myself on being independent, but in a new city all alone it was hard to be such. I applied to jobs everyday and each day I never received an interview. So I cried and I cried all the time because I felt worthless. I felt as though I’d never amount to anything. I fell in a dark hole of depression and by the grace of God I climbed out. My heart bruised, but I climbed out. I was unhappy yet again. 

This unhappiness went on for months and months off and on until today. I’ve attached so much of my happiness to people and objects and just plain wanting to be a pleaser that I have not the slightest idea why really make me happy. Only the smallest idea of what I like. And even smaller of what I want to do.

From this day forward I know I have to work on myself from the inside out. I must remind myself of my importance, my worth, and my reason of being. I am the daughter of Jesus Christ our Savior. I am the daughter of hard working people. I am the sister to 6 siblings who look up to me and want to see what’s best for me. I am a survivor. I am a fighter. I will win all battles of depression and unhappiness that happen inside of me. I am a winner!

-xoXO Lex

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